A Comfort To Know

I love how the snow makes the night so much brighter
reflecting off the moon.
With each glistening flake, they light up the sky
that covers a world so cold and dry
yet so beautiful.
It's as if the moon and the snow are working together
to shed a little light on your gloomy situation
where your thoughts run through your head
and your worries take over;
they got your back.
They remind you that it's okay
and that you don't need to worry,
for a brighter day is just hours away.
But for now
They're doing the best they can.

The Stranger I Never Knew

Deeper into the night
We talk about our lives, where we came from
And as we grow tired and wary
Our limbs begin to entwine.
Our legs,
Our hands,
Fingertips,
Lips,
Souls.
And by the morning you become the stranger I never knew.

Recite and Repeat

I have to grab the flab on my body to remind myself it's hibernation season,
To remind myself to sleep for as long as possible,
To avoid contact until warmer seasons.
These hands are cold from bearing the burden of desire;
This scar is a result of such.

I learn nothing.

I keep making the same mistake again and continue to grab the same skin,
Hoping it will get better in warmer seasons.

The Fire Inside

There's a fire inside I can't keep burning no more.

My breath has grown heavy, my lungs have grown sore.

Behind a closed wall it burns brightly, yet still

My soul cannot share it; within it must fill.

The Song Does Not Exist

The song does not exist.
I've looked for it everywhere, searched every lyric,
every note,
every message it delivered.
It was a sign that you were once existant in flesh, and now all you could give was this song, a sign of symbolic comfort.
And as suddenly as it came, it also disappeared.
Because I have searched and cried and have grown flustered and lost,
For this song does not exist.
And I wish it did.
I wish I could have it forever, hold it close to my heart, etch it into the center of every beat.
Maybe it is no longer relevant,
Or maybe it's more than that.  Maybe I pushed it away,
Grew out of my naive nature and became a person who you never knew, and never want to meet.
Maybe I have self deprived myself of the one thing that kept me grounded.

The song does not exist,
Because the girl you knew doesn't exist either.

That song belongs to her.

My Blogger In Crime

"Maybe... you'll fall in love with me all over again."
"Hell," I said, "I love you enough right now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?"
"Yes. I want to ruin you."
"Good," I said. "That's what I want too."

~Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

Sporting last night's make-up and faded stare, I'm here to inspire, but not to care.

The Window 4 Stories Up

Inhale.

They all pass through the parking lot never thinking to look up,
For they don't know I'm watching, calling out their bluff.

Exhale.

Internet Friends

It's that process we all avoid; clearing out your "friends" list on facebook.

Choosing who you delete off facebook is a lot more complicated to do than in theory.
It's not that you have a problem with any of them whatsoever, you just don't talk to all 600 of them on a day-to-day basis, let alone know who half of them are.
So I started with deleting those who's name I didn't even recognize (because we all have those friends for some silly reason), then those who I know but never really talked to in person (we also have those for another silly reason), then on to those who I never liked (even sillier reason), and then finally, those who I haven't talked to in a year.

Whelp, I have deleted almost up to 300 people. Yet somehow I still manage to have 600 friends.
(massive sigh)
You know what would make things easier? Deleting my facebook altogether.

But it really wouldn't.

A Room Half Empty (Not Half Full)

There was a room half empty (not half full).
It was dark.
I was standing in the middle of it hugging myself,

skin on skin comforting myself,

trying to fill up the space where my arms could no longer reach for.

And there lay a bed in the back corner.

A small corner filled with big secrets, 

secret's that were of other's further from my heart than you,

secret's I no longer want to keep tucked in.

But I guess that's better than hiding them under my pillow.

And on the other side of the bed was a window.

One that escapes out to a world where there are cars and people and problems bigger than mine.

But those problems compared to the storm that I was creating around myself seemed like a tiny raindrop; my tears were the downpour.

This is the room I created.
There is no escape route, no comfort, no you.
It is a void where you do not belong.
Just me, my thoughts, and this room half empty

All The Small Things (In No Particular Order)

1. Waking up and there being coffee hot and ready for you
2. The sound of an orchestra warming up
3. The love a person shares with their pet
4. Being kissed on the forehead
6. Accomplishing something no one thought you could do
7. Wiping the morning goop from out of your eyes
8. Finding notes that you forgot existed
9. Floating underwater
10. NyQuil
11. Being sassy to people for no reason
12. The bridge of your favourite song
13. The superstition of the "unlucky" 13
14. When you ask someone for a piece of gum and they give it to you
15. When people remember little details about you when you've only mentioned it once
16. Cotton swabs.  Seriously I can't live without them.
17. When you buy something and didn't realize it was on sale until the cashier told you
18. Putting body lotion on
19. Sneaking my feet under the person beside me's bum when we're sitting on the couch
20. Popping pimples
21. Drinking a smoothie and it being absolutely delicious
22. Eating all-you-can-eat sushi and not feeling sick afterwards
23. Making bubble-tea
24. Old couples holding hands
25. Hot dads with their baby and dog
     (Story time! I was out for a run the other day, and this dog came out of nowhere and jumped on me, and then this hot dad with his baby came around the corner on the trail and he apologized for his dog interrupting my run and I told him it was okay, and then he apologized again and then told me to enjoy the rest of my run. I died.)

When Nothing Becomes of Something

I found an old note you wrote me, and it made me sad.
Not because I wish it was meant for now, for it made me so happy when it was meant for then. Now it's just something that used to be important.

I think everything is important to us at one point.  It's only when it loses it's meaning do we disregard it and find ways of moving on to help us forget.

I forgot what it felt like.
But this note made me realize that none of your words made sense at all.
Because you didn't really mean what you said that day in the forest.  You only said it to make me think that something was to become of this nothing-ness bullshit you threw at me. Like you couldn't have just been honest in the first place.

And that's what makes me sad.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

Just a little update on the massive scale of life,

I FOUND AN APARTMENT!
ALLELUIA! YIPEE! HOORAY!

I'm very excited for a few reasons:

    1) I get to live with one of the coolest people ever

    2) I will be 19, therefore party like a rockstar

    3) I get to cook my own food! (this makes me excited because I can eat healthy rather than crappy meal plan food)

    4) I can decorate!
    5) I'll be living in the big city, so, halla at the next chick 'soon as ya blinkin!

I'm back in the game ladies and gentlemen, I'm moving up in this world!

** cue The Jeffersons theme song **

My Life Right Meow

My brain is a confuffle of mush
(that is not a word, however, in my mush of a brian it is).

I changed my design again.  I think my last look was a lot of me taking out my anger on my blog and I am sorry for that.  The cosmic, pre-teen look was badass, don't get me wrong. But this simple look is more... easier on the mind.  Makes me less stressed.

Anyways.

A few problems,
I have no where to live as of the beginning of this school year,
I don't have enough money to live anywhere,
I wish that my ex would grow up,
and to top it all off, I've been a PMSing anti-social bitch who's been stuffing chocolate in her face for the past three weeks.
Lawl.
I have swallowed more tea than the fair trade company could ever trade in a lifetime, and I have started to take White Girl Problem's blog way too seriously.

I just wish that someone would shake every worry off of me and tell me everything is going to be alright.
I know it will be, it always is.
It's just sometimes that reassurance from someone else is all it takes to believe it.

I also need my eyes to uncross. It's not a very chic look.


SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

This Girl Gets Me

I'm Sick Of Summer

A Special Limerick For You

There once was a silly young prick
who only ever listened to his dick.
It never failed to get hard
when staring at the "ex" card,
but shrunk when she gave it a kick.

Teenagers And Their Silly Shenanigans!

Last night there was a slip n' slide going all the way down the hallway and out the front door.

It was fucking awesome.

You Are The Storm That I Believe In

This storm is beautiful.

It has been the hottest summer since sometime in the 60's (I feel like I am living in New Mexico with all this dead grass) and we have been long overdue for some rain.
I wish I could get a picture right when the lightning flashes.
There is so much, it's like watching static on the T.V.
The thunder is non-stop.

I was thinking of this the other day, but is saying, "The storm was so calming" ironic or an oxymoron?
Or something else entirely.
Or nothing at all !
I don't know.
Anyways, this storm is very calming, almost soothing really.


I'm so glad I stayed awake to see this.

Sometimes Drunk Emotions Jumble Together Into Rubbish

I'd be lying to everyone if I said I was okay.

I know everyone has their own problems.
Just like I've got mine, they've got theirs.
But is it fair to say that no matter the issue, it still feels as big of a problem as the next?
Is that fair?

YES. EXACTLY.

I Think It Was The Red Hair Dye

You know that feeling of walking around naked in your house?
I've had that feeling permanently for a week now.
On top of everything that's been happening, I have finally found this feeling of liberation.
I've also grown this confidence in myself.
I feel like I can do anything!
I'm sure this feeling will wear off once I try to fly off my roof!
      (That one was for cheap laughs. I'm sorry)
But in all honesty I am at my happiest right now.
I'm getting back into my old routines,
I'm eating better,
I'm working out again,
My happier song playlists are seeing the light of day again,
and I've got nobody holding me back.
      Anyone who was I have accepted what they've done and erased their unimportance from my life.
Everything is starting to fall back in place.
I'm becoming me again.

I like me.
Me is good.
Me is my friend.
Me is very happy.


And because I am utterly OBSESSED with this woman, I will end this with one of her songs.

Something I Forgot to Publish Two Months Ago

Today was a "Let's-contradict-everything-in-my-life" kind of day.

I decided not to go to mandatory classes today.  I felt like shit anyways, so there.
But instead I trekked up to York Mills to go with my friend to her orthodontist appointment.
And it was there I had an epiphany.
I want to be an editorialist.
Screw making a prop list and sound cues for %10 (currently what I am trying to avoid doing at 4:16am),
I want to write about how things make me feel for %10

Also, I stopped eating. It was weird.
I had no appetite all day. I bought lunch around lunch time because it felt necessary.
Two bites in, full.
Me,
Victoria Ius,
eater of about absolutely anything that is put infront of me,
full.
Like I said,
weird.

You is Only a 3 Letter Word.

Your wit astounds me.
You are so clever,
right?
You know everything, so you must be clever.
You know everything about me.  Hell, you know more about me than I do,
obviously.
You know how to use sarcasm to the point where others laugh along.
I laughed at it too.
Always did, and always will.
You know how to run things, how to control things.
You know what is right and wrong, and you know where I'm better off.
Right?
You decided where things were going to go,
or should I say end,
so you must know.

You know,
for the longest time I thought you were always right.
But you had it all wrong.
Always did, and always will.

I Stayed In The Darkness with You

Life is Life

It's my last night in rez.

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Now that's I've grown so attached to living here, which I never thought would happen, I don't know how I'm suposed to leave.
I'm going to miss so much,

Goodbye waking up 5 minutes before class starts.
Goodbye nice security guard at the front desk.
Goodbye ugly-naked guy neighbour.
Goodbye floor 14 family.
     (I'm going to miss this part the most)
Goodbye smelly roommate.
      (I'm going to miss this part the least)
Goodbye milton in the caf.
Goodbye mysterious irish girl across the hall.
Goodbye downtown toronto view.

Goodbye Toronto. I will see you in the fall.

Live Passionately Tonight

Last night I watched live performances of Lady Gaga until 5 in the morning.
One of my favourites was her HBO Born This Way a capella.

It was a really good night.

These Things Do Happen To Us

A guy in my program died on Friday.
He drowned.
It was a freak accident, it was no one's fault.
The scary part about it all is that it could of happened to anyone.
And never has the theatre school been such a chilling atmosphere to be in.
You give a group of theatre kids something like this and you can count on the mental breakdowns.
But like they always say, the show must go on, right?

I'm sorry you had to go.  You were one of the nicest guys in this place.
You will be missed.

RIP Sarmad Iskandar <3

Audience of One

I just want an excuse to dress as a hipster.

I don't want to be one, I just want to dress like one.
I like the style,
to a certain extent.
And I just want to embrace it on my body without actually embracing the inner body feeling.
(see what I did there?)

Is that so wrong?

*Side note: Funny story, this guy that was in my group for my pop literature class (also probably one of the biggest hipsters Ryerson has to offer) just recently got a tattoo of a dog on his leg.  His reasoning
behind it?
"Hey guys! Check out my new tattoo! It symbolizes my everlasting love for puppies and how my personality mirrors my love"

...So... that's not your dog?

What Is This Feeling?

I have arrived back in Guelph tonight,
and for the first time ever, my house doesn't feel like my home.
It feels like I'm just, visiting.
Because I am "just visiting".
I was unpacking all my stuff, thinking about how in a week I'm going to have to pack it all back up again to go back home.
(At school I call my rez "home", but I have never called it that when I'm in Guelph.)

You would think that this would make me sad, but why should it?
Guelph will always be my home,
but now so is Toronto.
And when I'm in Toronto I feel older,
more independent.
Am I finally growing up?
If so, I love the feeling.
"These times are a changin" as Bob Dylan would say,
And I'm ready for it this time around.

"Goodbye until tomorrow, goodbye until the rest of my life! And I have been waiting, I have been waiting for you"   ~ Catherine, The Last Five Years

And All That Jazz

To Sum Up My Week

I miss singing. And dancing.

Being in a theatre school and seeing all the actors and dancers doing their thing and loving their lives...
sigh.
The worst is when you tell people you're in Theatre Production, and they reply with, "Oh, so you're an actress!"
*heart pains*
and you have to sheepishly reply, "Aha, oh, no.  I do the behind the scenes stuff, like lighting and set design and costumes, stuff like that."
(Which, don't get me wrong, is absolutely interesting and fun at times)

Last June, I won a scholarship and award for my broadway song and was put in the regional competition.
I'm curious as to how things would be different if I got the guts to audition for acting...

I love my program, don't get me wrong.  I just miss the other side to it.

And Now for Something Completely Different.

I need to go to the gym.

Don't mistaken me with some gym-aholic trying to become some super fit and healthy person,
but that's basically what I am.
I didn't go yesterday,
first mistake.
I'm antsy as hell.
I downloaded this app for my phone that has all these work out routines, I did one last week and it was worth it.
I'll just do one of those.

I apologize for venting.

What have I turned into?
I have so much drive.
I love it.

It's a White Oleander Kind of Day

Morning rain.
Body is sore,
trying out this new "gym" concept.
It's nice,
but I like it here
in my bed.
Gilbert looks over me,
protector of any dangerous  and nosey roomies *cough* trying to invade on my personal space.
I appreciate that, Gilbert.
Now,
back to page 102

Signing Up for FA Meetings. ASAP.

"First step is admitting you have a problem."

It's time to face it.
I have a Facebook addiction.
It took my friend complaining about how I comment on absolutely everything on my newsfeed to realize this.
I thought it was okay, others do the same, so why does it make it wrong for me? 

I was so mislead.
But it's okay, because I'm doing something about it!
My friend Olena has been forced to do the "Facebook Challenge" (is what I like to call it, since it really is quite the challenge).

The rules are as follows:

1. Only allowed to go on Facebook once a day up to 10 minutes.
2. When on Facebook, you may check notifications and messages, reply to them if mandatory
3. Only 1 comment and 1 like is allowed during this time period (*sharp pain in heart*)
4. NO CREEPING PEOPLE ON YOUR NEWSFEED (we all do it, let's get real)
5. Status updates only if it's about something interesting and that people would enjoy (not song lyrics, we get it you like that song that no one had ever heard of, snaps for you)
6. Delete Facebook App/ cancel Facebook notifications to phone

God, I feel like I'm trying to quit smoking. My leg is twitching.

I just have to keep reminding myself it's all for the best.

It's all for the best. It's all for the best. It's all for the best. It's all for the best. It's all for the best. It's all for the best. It's all for the best.  It's all for the best...

You Don't Meet Nice Girls in Coffee Shops